I am really happy. Things are really good. Everything is working out. 

Saying I am over it also makes the opposite true, So I won't say it. Might be too late. Point is, I don't feel anything regarding him. Would have been anger, or confusion, or longing, or something. But It's pretty much just contentment, that we both moved on. It takes a lot of guts to realize there is something wrong with a relationship and to be able to end it, instead of just staying there for fear of being alone. And I'm not gonna lie, I was totally afraid of being alone. 

I forgot though that being alone is what I am good at. I am really a selfish person, so being with someone is too hard, cause I forget about myself and make it all about them. Which is really unhealthy for a selfish person. 

The point of all the backstory and context is that I like this boy. Well... He is definitely not a boy. I mean... well. He is a man boy. Too much of an age difference for those around me to be comfortable with. Everyone would just tell me it was a phase or whatever. But I don't choose my friends, or my (insert whatever he is to me) by their age, Just like I don't choose them by their hair color. "Age ain't nothin but a number"

And maybe the only reason he brings it up, and I try to avoid it, is because there is nothing else that could be wrong about it. We both are attracted to eachother. We both enjoy the others company. And we get along with eachothers friends. Accept that he never hangs out with my friends cause he likes to stay at home... xD

The thing is that I want to tell people, and only like 3 people know my blog, so I decided those three get to know. I like him. He is good to me, and good for me. And I just wanna see where this goes.... 

<3Molly

Sometimes.

Trying hard and failing not to mention the fact that it has been so long, it's just become a formality to mention it. Sometimes it just happens, I get caught up following all the blogs (go look at some, wow, some are excellent!) and I forget that writing is something I really enjoy. There is a chance that the reason I don't write so much on here is because there is some internal conflict for me about it. Writing is such a personal thing for me that I am not always of the mindset that it should be shared. But sharing is caring, and there are some things I think the world should know.

1. Onread.com- Allowing me to read a popular yet pigeon-holed book in secret without the embarrassment of buying it at my local bookstore. (c'mon, I mean, I know people who work there, and I know I shouldn't care but it started as just reading it to see if they would honestly let me read a book online fo' freee.)

2. Photobucket.com- ok, It isn't really the website itself, it's the fact that I have a bunch of pictures on there, that would be lost to me if I hadn't went and downloaded them all. I would have lost THESE GEMS...

Notice I am being steadied. By one Emily Lyerla. 

My first Myspace Profile Pic. Oh man I was cool. (8th Grade people...)

 

And Jack as a kitten. =)

3. I am never doing a musical theater production. Although I mean, Justin Bieber/Beiber says Never say Never. ha. I can at least say that I will never do a musical theater production again while I have friends, a life, and two cats as opposed to hundreds.

Anyway, That's enough for now. Back to my blogs. New post secret yesterday, new asofterworld, new QC. Imma get in my pjs for this shit.

Sewing again!

“I'm very definitely a woman and I enjoy it.” -Marilyn Monroe

Heeeeeey!!!!!

pssssssssssssssssssttt

I GOT A SEWING MACHINE!!!!!!

It was really super exciting and I really really forgot how much fun sewing is. I made a dress one time and then didn't wear it that much, but now that I am getting back into sewing (not on my moms machine) I am gonna do stuff all de time! 

Good or bad idea, making an etsy account and selling hairbows on it? The one in my hair is from American Apparel, but I want to start making them myself, and my first one looked like this........

I like it, but I need to make it a bit bigger. Gonna keep practicing. 

NIGHT! =)

How to think

"I have no use for before and after pictures. I can’t remember starting, and I’m never done." -Joey Comeau 

I wanted to start writing this at about 10:30? 

Sat here for two hours looking for a quote and picture to post. 

I try too hard, so just don't judge me ok? 

This morning I woke up at 9:15 (fifteen minutes after I was supposed to), got ready very quickly, and went to church where I was a reader. I read this passage about christmas which is one of the only reasons I was there this morning. (that and I am on the youth and family team, so I had a meeting after church) thing is, I usually sit with my mom where the band is and so we play the music. Sitting in the pews is different, my mom was kinda off cause she doesn't like to sit down there and she wasn't even going to come this sunday cause there was only one service, blah blah blah. The Point of all this is that during church they asked us to do something: Share a time in your life when you felt grateful to be alive. 

hmmm... I thought for a minute. Well. first thing that hit me was that most people would try to think of a time they almost died. My mom even turned to me and said, "I bet you have one, the bones in Rwanda or something?" (referring to me going into a mass grave site while in Rwanda). I just shook my head. That didn't make me grateful to be alive at all, if anything it made me ashamed to be alive while they all weren't, people who were possibly/probably better than me. 

This isn't supposed to be depressing. Point is ---> I was most grateful to be alive when I saw MCS live. 

When I was standing there in that sweaty mass of people and couldn't stop smiling and I heard...

"I found a letter that said I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down, You'd think I ought to be used to that by now"

...I looked at Chella and belted it. She did too. 

I realized by remembering this moment that I want to go into the field of psychology because I want to learn how to think in a way that surprises people, like my mom and barbara (sat next to us at church)....

~~~~~

P.S. -- I know why I am afraid of you. It's because on TV, and in movies, I have been told that you are supposed to fall in love and everything goes perfectly, then something goes wrong and it gets ripped away, before you even get to the best parts. So I am scared. You scare me.

P.P.S. -- But.. TV and movies aren't real life. You make me brave. 

readme

Tiffany's.

"Paul Varjak: You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

<<---  My sister gave me dis. >.<

Christmas is coming up, and I am in shock. I mean, yes, that's cliché but, I am. I was all prepared at the beginning of the month and then it came around and now it's less than a week away! 

The reason I am in so much shock is probably because about a week ago I got really distracted from christmas and december in general cause something else made me really happy. People who know me know that I am usually pretty bitter and cynical, and I am sorry to say that you all will have to forget about that part of me for...who knows how long?

I chose that quote because, I always have been a little wild, not really wanting or ready to be tied down. But the truth is probably that I was just not aware of the other thing you can call being "tied down". Being happy. I mean, yea this is sappy, and yea nothing is perfect. But I like it this way. 

Schools over, I am free for a month, things are going my way. Now comes the fear. What if I just ignore it? Will that work?

Copperfields, Yo belle, and Maslow

"Bill smiled and continued asking me questions. Slowly, he got to 'problems at home.' And I told him about the boy who makes mix tapes hitting my sister because my sister only told me not to tell mom or dad about it, so I figured I could tell Bill. He got this very serious look on his face after I told him, and he said something to me I don't think I will forget this semester or ever. 

'Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve.' "

-the perks of being a wallflower

Today was really pretty amazing. Not in the good way, but just in that way. It started really normally, but then I got to go meet my friend Dayton (only ever really an aquaintance, but conversation has never been awkward for us, so I figured hanging out wouldn't hurt or anything). It felt really good and natural, and the day just got better when I saw Robert (an old friend whom I love dearly for being one of those people who has such a positive outlook that when they are upset, it makes your day melancholy too). He works at the bookstore and I got to catch up with him before meeting Dayton. Chella accompanied me the whole time and after we picked up this book, the perks of being a wallflower, we got frozen yogurt at the new little yogurt place next door. 

All of that wasn't really the point, but it might have helped in getting there. The point is, Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve. And I have told myself a million times I am ready, I am ready, I am ready to the millionth, but this time it feels a little more real. (regardless of if it is). 

There are a couple of Psychologists who believed the same/similar things regarding self-actualization. Maslow was one of them. Upon first hearing his name all I could think of was that Maslow is a really good name for a cat (It's gonna happen at some point in my life, just you wait). Anyway, Maslow developed this theory of the heirarchy of needs, self-actualization being at the top. So basically, this guy figures that, you can't get to the self-actualization, you can't even get to the self-esteem until you have a feeling of love and belonging in your life, because until the basic needs are met; food, security, love, all the ones under esteem... you can't GET to the esteem. 

What I don't understand is that everyone always tells you that you need to love yourself and just have self-confidence in order to reach that love and intimacy that we all crave. I pretty much already convinced myself I just don't need love. So which way do I go? Do I fake it til I make it with the self-confidence, or do I search for the love I have been told I need? 

...

I have also been told not to search, to just let it happen. 

...

Stupid hormones. 

Inconvenient conveniency

So I am going to the this entire thing from my iPhone because getting one of these makes computers nearly obsolete. Not to mention typing on these is just really fun (I hate to admit I think it's the clicking sound that makes it fun).

Sadly though it doesn't format the same so I will have to edit it on a computer later anyway....

Man life is complicated... Leaving the wifi now so I'm just gonna post this so I don't use up my 3G... Turns out this is a lot less convenient than I thought...