"Bill smiled and continued asking me questions. Slowly, he got to 'problems at home.' And I told him about the boy who makes mix tapes hitting my sister because my sister only told me not to tell mom or dad about it, so I figured I could tell Bill. He got this very serious look on his face after I told him, and he said something to me I don't think I will forget this semester or ever.
'Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve.' "
-the perks of being a wallflower
Today was really pretty amazing. Not in the good way, but just in that way. It started really normally, but then I got to go meet my friend Dayton (only ever really an aquaintance, but conversation has never been awkward for us, so I figured hanging out wouldn't hurt or anything). It felt really good and natural, and the day just got better when I saw Robert (an old friend whom I love dearly for being one of those people who has such a positive outlook that when they are upset, it makes your day melancholy too). He works at the bookstore and I got to catch up with him before meeting Dayton. Chella accompanied me the whole time and after we picked up this book, the perks of being a wallflower, we got frozen yogurt at the new little yogurt place next door.
All of that wasn't really the point, but it might have helped in getting there. The point is, Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve. And I have told myself a million times I am ready, I am ready, I am ready to the millionth, but this time it feels a little more real. (regardless of if it is).
There are a couple of Psychologists who believed the same/similar things regarding self-actualization. Maslow was one of them. Upon first hearing his name all I could think of was that Maslow is a really good name for a cat (It's gonna happen at some point in my life, just you wait). Anyway, Maslow developed this theory of the heirarchy of needs, self-actualization being at the top. So basically, this guy figures that, you can't get to the self-actualization, you can't even get to the self-esteem until you have a feeling of love and belonging in your life, because until the basic needs are met; food, security, love, all the ones under esteem... you can't GET to the esteem.
What I don't understand is that everyone always tells you that you need to love yourself and just have self-confidence in order to reach that love and intimacy that we all crave. I pretty much already convinced myself I just don't need love. So which way do I go? Do I fake it til I make it with the self-confidence, or do I search for the love I have been told I need?
...
I have also been told not to search, to just let it happen.
...
Stupid hormones.
